Raising Self-Esteem in Gay Men

Robert Browning said "Where my heart lies, let my brain lie also."

This webpage comes from my heart. For over fifteen years I've been listening to gay men pour out their life stories. In every case it was clear they had internalized negative images and messages about themselves. That usually resulted in depression, anxiety, struggling relationships, faltering career, joyless living, or worse. And it frustrated me and angered me. I want to change that in the gay community.

So, one day I got my brain in gear with my heart and wrote this webpage. I want us to live freer and more joyful lives. We deserve to. I believe that with a passion. So, I've written this from the heart.

I am interested in your reactions to what I've written. You are free to call me or e-mail me at any time. Let me know which of these suggestions you've tried, and what worked for you and what didn't.

INSIGHT

"There are two kinds of people in the world: those who divide the world into two's and those who don't.

One way to change ourselves is by using what therapists call psychodynamics. This method tries to help us resolve fundamental and largely unconscious inner conflicts.

Another way to try to change ourselves is by using cognitive or behavioral techniques. This approach tries to help over-ride the inner and unconscious conflict. Most therapists use both approaches. The technique used here is cognitive.

MOTIVATION

"The achieve of, the mastery of the thing!" Gerard Manley Hopkins

Over twenty years ago when I had a lot of back pain, my physical therapist told me that when you're in moderate pain it's hard to be motivated. Life seems familiar and OK enough. (Just give me a pill and let me sleep!) But, if you're in enough pain you act!

Most folks do not seek therapy until they are in a lot of pain. We do not make major life changes unless there is a lot of motivation.

The trick is to achieve, to master, to act when life is. not too good, but not too bad, not too enjoyable, but not too awful, not too fulfilling, but not completely empty.

Mark Twain said, "I can resist anything but temptation." The temptation to do nothing can be enormous inside us. The temptation to "ride it out"; to hope for a better tomorrow but not really do anything about it; the temptation just to slump down on the couch and turn on the TV, can be overwhelming.

But Eleanor Roosevelt said, "What you cannot do, you must do." When you come to that brick wall, smash it down. When you reach the end of your rope, haul yourself upward. When you're in the pit yell and scream until someone hears you. Act motivated, even if you aren't!

"If you're alive, you got to flap your arms and legs, you got to jump around a lot and make a lot of noise. Because life is the opposite of death." Mel Brooks

DECLARATIONS

"We hold these truths to be self-evident." Thomas Jefferson

When Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence he was doing for a country what we all need to do as humans: declaring independence. He was affirming, asserting, averring, announcing that our country would stand on its own and be true to its own soul.

Jefferson said we're all equal, we all have inalienable rights, we all shall have the life and liberty that is our God-given right. Other countries may operate in other ways. We Americans declare for freedom.

Therapists call this individuating. Deciding you will be the self you know is true in your heart is an act of individuation. Prizing what is different in your and honoring your uniqueness is individuation. This webpage will help you declare your independence.

AFFIRMATIONS

"God looked on all that he had created and declared it good." Moses in the Book of Genesis

When a client comes to a session his first question is often, "How are you?" I always respond, "I'm good." Because I am. I'm a good person, and with that statement, I am affirming what is good in me. I choose to announce, to aver, to assert, to declare, to affirm, I'm good. If God says it, it must be true!

If you read writings of great philosophers, religionists, even business leaders, you'll find they regularly self-affirm. You don't have to be religious to know that Jesus has had enormous impact in our culture and thinking. He routinely said things like, "I am good." Even, "I'm God."

STARTING

"Begin at the beginning, and go on till you come to the end. Then stop." Lewis Carroll

Your starting point is you. What do you think about you? Go now and get a pencil and paper. Write down five to ten good and true things about yourself.

Here are some examples:

I'm a good person.

I'm a giving person.

I have talents.

Now act. Start. Write down 5-10 good and true things about yourself.

TRUTH

"The truth will set you free." Jesus

Don't worry. I'm not going to get religious on you.

A therapist friend of mine says, "The truth is friendly." He means the truth, though sometimes difficult to take, is good for you in the long run. Learning the truth about yourself ultimately is healing.

When you write your affirmations, tell the truth-the truth that is positive and loving. Don't be shy, but don't lie! If you say, "I am the greatest sales person in the world," you're not being loving to yourself. Because there is a part of you that knows there must be someone somewhere who is better. So, you are lying to yourself. And the part of you that wants things authentic will be hurt.

Don't say, "I'll be rich someday." You don't know that. It's a hope perhaps, it's a desire. But, it's not current truth. Stick with what is current, good, and true as you write your affirmations.

Are your affirmations true? They don't have to feel 100%