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The
Mystery of Happiness
From
my own reflection and the ABC Television Special Shown on
April 15, 1996
Roger
Winter, MA, MFT
INTRODUCTION
In my experience people
are reluctant to say they are happy, but they often report
that in the past they were happy. We could paraphrase John
Lennon and say, "Happiness is what happens when you're making
other plans." It seems to be a byproduct of something else.
Happiness seems elusive.
So, I encourage my clients to look for peace of mind rather
than happiness. Peace of mind seems more readily attainable
than happiness-and they may be the same thing!
In 12-Step Programs
such as AA, serenity is the goal. The wisdom of these programs
tells us that to achieve serenity we must take things one
day at a time. Or, as the Bible says, "Don't take on tomorrow's
problems today." ("Suffi-cient unto the day are the problems
of that day.") The wisdom of the East says that nirvana is
the goal. If we let go of our ego-driven ways (the idea that
we can control everything), we will experience centeredness
and bliss (nirvana). I'm going to assume that happiness, peace
of mind, serenity, and blissful centeredness are roughly the
same thing.
WHERE DOES HAPPINESS
COME FROM?
Current brain and behavioral
research strongly suggests that happiness is 50% a result
of our genetics. In other words, the bio-chemical make-up
in our brain predisposes us to happiness or unhappiness. Until
a few years ago there wasn't much we could do about that.
If you inherited your mother's chronic depression, you were
stuck with it. If you got your father's sour outlook that
was the end of that.
In the last few years
brain research has brought us new medications that can correct
unhealthy brain chemistry. The most famous of these medications
is prozac, but there are many others that are as effective
or more so. They don't make you feel "happy". They simply
take away depression and sour-pussness, so that you become
yourself. Your brain stops giving you bad, moody, or anxious
feelings. My patients who take these medications often report,
"I feel like myself for the first time in my life." If you
think one of these medications might be helpful for you, I
can refer you to a psychiatrist who specializes in these medications.
So, if 50% of your
potential for happiness is genetic, the other 50% must be
your own psychology-the way your mind works habitually. Abraham
Lincoln said, "Most people are about as happy as they make
up their minds to be." Current research suggests that old
Abe was at least 50% right!
WHAT THE RESEARCH
SHOWS
SENSE OF CONTROL
Here's what the research
from the ABC television special teaches us. First having a
sense of control in our lives is important to happiness. We
feel empowered when we have a sense of control. We get a sense
of control by developing routines, by having close friends,
and by accomplishing and mastering important areas in our
life, especially work.
Now, isn't it interesting
that people with seemingly very little control are often the
happiest? If a sense of control is important to happiness,
why are quadriplegics in wheelchairs often fairly happy people?
Probably what has happened is that the quadriplegic has had
to learn that there is much he can't control; and so, paradoxically,
he is much more aware than most of the things he can
control.
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SENSE OF OPTIMISM
Secondly, a sense of optimism
makes us happier. If you expect the best, you will be happier. I
often hear clients tell me the opposite. They think it is better
to expect the worst and then be happy that it doesn't happen, or
at least not surprised when it does. The familiar lament is, "I
don't want to get my hopes up because then I'll be disappointed."
But the research shows that people who do get their hopes up are
happier. They have learned to have an adult kind of hope-a hope
that is grounded in reality, a hope that is not simply a foolish
belief. (Don't hope you are going to win the lottery. That never
happens.)
Defeat only makes optimists
more determined. If they don't get the job they want, it only makes
them try harder for the next one. They have a fundamental belief
that ultimately things will be OK. They expect things to work out.
SENSE OF GOD
Thirdly, happy people have
a strong belief in God. I'm not promoting religion, I'm just reporting
the research. Some of the happiest people the researchers found
were the Amish folks in Pennsylvania. They scored high on the psychological
profiles. The Amish motto is the Three F's: Faith, Family, and Farm.
Notice which comes first.
A SENSE OF MASTERING MEANINGFUL
WORK
Fourthly, happy people are
busy with meaningful work. They get into the flow of life with work
that challenges and gratifies. The activities that were reported
as the most gratifying were gardening, sports activities, and volunteering.
CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS
Fifthly, close relationships
make us happy. All jokes aside, married people are generally happier
than unmarried people. People who have good close, supportive friends
are happy. Again, the Amish: each member of the family helps the
others, neighbors help neighbors. Feeling the strong support of
others makes us happy.
ARE THERE SHORTCUTS TO
HAPPINESS?
Surprisingly, yes! The research
shows that laughter is one of the best. Humans have foibles, so
laugh. Use humor to see you through the rough spots.
Smile. Just smile! The more
you smile (from the inside) the better you feel.
Be outgoing. Talk to the
person in line with you at the supermarket. Call a friend just because
it will make you feel better to talk. Wave to people in cars. Give
it a try.
Help other people. Help a
friend move. Give yourself away. You'll be happier.
Don't worry. Yes, you'll
have problems because everyone does. It's part of life on this planet.
Haven't you noticed? And, although your set of problems will be
somewhat unique, the truth is that millions of people have walked
ahead of you, down the road you are traveling. Problems just give
you a chance to be creative. And ultimately almost all troubles
go away; and you're still here! Don't worry about growing older.
Old people are just as happy as young people according to the research.
Plus they are wiser, more comfortable with themselves, and they
don't have to work so hare to prove themselves. They're less stressed.
If you have trouble integrating
these suggestions into your life, psychotherapy can help you do
that.
If you want a video of the
ABC show, call (800) 913-3434.
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